The Magic Stick

Conflict resolution using a classic solution

What do you do when you are feeling stressed as a cofounder? Who do you turn to when you feel frustrated or alone? The act of founding a company requires strength, grit, and an invaluable amount of empathy.

When you are starting a new venture, you’re constantly juggling deadlines, and swapping out different hats. You may have to handle marketing one minute, and product development the next. Your day could then consist of a board meeting, an investor pitch, and a sales presentation. We have a lot on our plates as founders, and it can become easy to discount our own feelings in an effort to convey strength.

My cofounders are wildly supportive people, to the point that I am thankful every single day for their camaraderie on this wild journey we call building a business. That doesn’t mean we do not have our difficult moments. I’d say we have a difficult moment almost every day. We’re human beings. Most days it’s easy for us to lift each other up, but sometimes it’s hard to comprehend what is wrong, therefore it can be difficult to formulate a solution.

Now our CEO is one of the most considerate people I’ve ever worked with. He truly cares about the rest of us. I’m not sure if you’ve ever worked for a jerk of a CEO before, but Jim is different. The mood is typically positive and productive. Pobodies Nerfect, but I’m not complaining.

Enter the mysterious “problem”

One day, three of us were working on the design of a feature of our platform. We were cruising. Positivity and enthusiasm radiated through the room. Suddenly, we hit a road block, and one of us got a phone call. Thirty minutes later, we came back together to continue our work and the air felt different. Something was wrong, and none of us wanted to state that for the group.

When things suddenly feel bad, it’s tough for one founder to want to drag the others down. It can feel like a burden, carrying this sense of dread inside, without the ability to formulate words to describe the sensation. There are a myriad of articles suggesting how to stay positive, but nobody wants to be a fun sucker. Nobody wanted to take us off task. And that may have been the problem.

The tipping point

We began to bicker. Nothing offensive, just short sentences and long breaks. None of us were rude to each other, but we weren’t really making any progress with regard to our feature problem.

That’s when our head of UX, J.J., spoke up.

“I think we should talk,” he said. “Something doesn’t feel right, and I feel like we should just speak our minds.”

J.J. then pulled out a pen. An old-school ball point pen. Practically a relic in our digital world.

“This will be our talking stick, I know it’s a bit cheesy, but we should just say whatever is on our minds.”

“Not sure that’ll work, but I’m all for trying,” I said admittedly.

“Well, let’s sit so we can all see each other without screens in our face,” our CEO said.

So, that’s what we did. We each took turns discussing whatever came to mind. Each of us was concerned with our upcoming deadline. We all agreed that we are battling with the common temptation of over-development pre-launch. I confessed that I tend to be a bit hard on myself. They reassured me of my added value. It took about 15 minutes. We all want this to work. We all want to launch and start iterating. We were on the same page.

*“If you’re not embarrassed by your first release, then you’ve launched too late” — Reid Hoffman*

Why it works

The concept of a “talking stick” has been used for years. The indigenous people of North America used these tools for an early version of democracy.

“[Akan](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akan_people) chiefs in Western Africa have a tradition of speaker’s staffs capped with gold-leafed finials. These emerged in the 19th century as a symbol of the holder’s power” — Hope B. Werness, “Continuum Encyclopedia of Native Art: Worldview, Symbolism, and Culture in Africa, Oceana and Native North America”

When you use a system like this, you are opening up the floor for action, without limiting self discovery. Every member of the talk has a chance to be honest, angry, afraid, or excited. The only rule is to be respectful. When you hold the stick (or pen) you are free to say whatever comes to mind.

Every member has a voice, and every member has an audience. You’d be surprised at just how productive an open call for a quick vent really can be. You get to be both in the moment, and in the circle.

It’s not conflict resolution that many of us need. It’s often conflict discovery. The ability to accurately define and therefore tackle conflicts and blockers.

The result

After our stick-talk, I managed to get a quick therapy session I didn’t know I needed. Our team managed to address our shared care for the upcoming deadlines, and ultimately we were able to remove the tension in the air. A tension that came from apparently nowhere. We prevailed, with a simple pen.

It really isn’t rocket science. Founders know they can lean on each other, but sometimes we don’t know when we are in our own way. Unknown stressors do not have to cause outbursts or division. Grab a pen, and suggest that you talk it out. You’ll probably be surprised by how simple it is to move on, once you’ve gotten out all the confusion you hold inside.

That old school tool, a simple ball point pen, went from a relic to a talisman. I recommend you get a magic stick of your own.

Originally published on Medium